Believers, Check-in

What if Your Faith Fails?

Christians are supposed to be believers. Believing is our thing. Our Christian walk is based on it. We believe God and it’s accounted to us as righteousness (Gen: 15:6). We don’t have to see God in order to believe that He is and that He is a rewarder to those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). We can be poor and in debt; we can live check to check; we can have bill collectors calling us at work, and yet believe that if we allow God to prepare us, our financial abundance is on its way. We can do this because we walk by faith.

Or… we’re supposed to anyway.

This week, I failed in my faith walk. Because I’m not 100% seeing, I’m not 100% believing. It seems I’m only 92% believing and the other 8% is calling the 92% stupid for hanging on. The 8% is shaking its head and casting judgment on that faithful 92%. The 8% is laughing a long, hard and heavy belly laugh.

I try to read the Bible every day. I don’t always prioritize it the way I should, but I do try. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out what we’re supposed to do between God notifying us of His plans for us and when He brings those plans into full manifestation. What did Hannah do? Or Sarah, or David, or Elijah?

How are we supposed to keep going with our lives when what we’re believing for doesn’t show up in a reasonable span of time? What do we do with our days (and our empty bank accounts) while we’re waiting to move forward?

I’m not doing as badly as I could be. The Holy Spirit has been leading the way, and I’m grateful for it. But that doesn’t mean I understand what’s happening. And it certainly doesn’t mean I’m not tired. However, I know that no matter what, I have to keep going. I have to keep the faith. And if I do fail, I have to get right back up and keep on moving, no matter what.

MFA, Writing Goals

Camp Nano Fail

I signed up for Camp Nanowrimo this year. I sign up for Camp Nanowrimo every year and I do so with high hopes. I do so while bragging about being a pantser. I sign up for a cool cabin filled with inspired YA writers. I watch virtual write-ins and binge on those motivational videos the real writers post in your Nanowrimo inbox. I even got my coworker to make me a customized book cover last year.

Now to be clear, I have won Nanowrimo. Three years in a row, I busted my butt to write those fifty thousand words. But there’s something about Camp. I have never won camp. Not once. Not in May. Not in July.

This time, I didn’t even manage to write one word. Not one single word.

And I think I’m justified in blaming my MFA program. There’s loads of reading in my program. Loads. And I’m not making excuses, but with all the reading and all the writing…. and the erasing, and the combined writing and erasing… and then pondering, and then crying, and erasing some more, I just don’t have the time to write with joy.

The sad thing is, I love all things Nanowrimo. This is not a guiltless fail. My heart is sort of broken. I love it when the nano team sends me that certificate that says I’m a winner. I so long to be a winner!


Let Go… Slowly but Surely

I thought I was doing better…

It’s true that I failed to meet my exercise goals last week, but I am happy with the two mornings I crawled out of bed and onto the floor to do yoga. (I skipped downward dog, though. The backs of my legs hate the downward dog.)

And it’s true that I ate less crap than normal, even though I binged during the holiday. I also didn’t eat the food I prepped for workday lunches and met none of my schoolwork goals.

However, those failings aren’t the worst of it. My son has gone and left me to embark on his own vacation. I should have been selflessly thrilled about it. He deserves a great summer. He deserves his own experiences. But I still found myself scared to death of letting him go.

He’s fifteen, and lately, every separation feels like a foreshadow of what’s to come. One day he will leave for college, then for his own career, and then possibly for his own family. He will leave. He will leave. He will leave. He’s been warning me about it since he was seven. He was in the second grade when he told me that God did not call him to live in the town we live in. The news was delivered with confidence, and he’s been adamant about it since.

There’s no reason to judge me. I know I need a better attitude about my child growing up. I don’t have a choice. Therefore, I will try to find comfort in knowing that I have someone to lean on. While the world may be unsafe, God is real. My son may make mistakes, but God is real. He may get his feelings hurt, but God is real. And the same God that keeps me, keeps him. I will trust God, and that’s all there is to it.

Health Goals

A Failing Waistline

Maybe this fail plan idea was an overreach.

Writing? Sure! Writing at home isn’t hard. Allowing my kid to grow up? That’s inevitable. Making friends and leaving behind my introverted ways? Far-fetched, but doable. But eating right? Working out? Could be impossible.

The goals were to set a deadline: three days, three workout videos. I didn’t specify a day or time because I knew a busy week was coming. That was my first fail.

Meal prepping was also on the agenda. Whether you believe it or not, it looked likely to happen. My son and I went grocery shopping and bought items that we would actually eat (we often have lofty cooking goals and never eat the stuff we buy). I still didn’t prep one single meal. We subsisted on peanut butter and meals with my grandmother, who lives close by and cooks better, far more fattening food, anyway.

Dairy Queen Dipped Cone
I was supposed to be eating carrots…

I failed both of my goals, and it wasn’t because of money or time. I had time, and there are loads of free resources on the internet. There are youtube videos for working out and for prepping meals. I can recommend Yoga With Adriene and FitnessBlender youtube videos because if I had any discipline they would fit into my schedule beautifully. And even though I’m not a vegan, I like watching AChicNatural and Kalyn Nicholson whenever I have cooking aspirations. The information is there and I’m already watching it so there’s no excuse.

But even though I failed last week, I have hope today. Today is Sunday, and I’m determined to fail less this week. I’ll start by making a schedule. On Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, I am going to avoid the snooze button and get up and do a video. And as soon as I post this blog, I’ll go meal prep, because I can do this! I can do this starting… now!